I'm proud of myself for sticking to my goal of posting every day. I've worked through a lot of the things that have been on my mind this month, and it's felt good to get my thoughts written down. It's helped. I'm still a long way from "feeling better," but it has helped me come to accept what has happened. Most importantly, I've been able to share Lauren and her story with so many people, and that's wonderful. It's the best thing that I could do - for myself and for her.
November is almost here, and soon, I'll be working on that 50,000 word goal. To make things a little easier for myself, I'm going to cut back on my blog posting. I'm aiming for 2-3 posts a week. I don't know if what I write for Nanowrimo will ever end up on this blog. For one thing, I'm taking a creative non-fiction approach and thus it will be more story-like than loosely-organized-journal-entry-like. I won't be editing it until after November (and considering how busy I'll be in December, I probably won't get around to editing before the new year), and I certainly don't want to publicly display any of it until I've edited it. So, the blog is going to have to take a backseat to the 1667 words I need to get out each day in November. I don't know when (or if) I'll start posting daily again. As I said, I'll be busy in December, and there might be some periods of time when internet access isn't even a concern for me. But I'll still be writing about Lauren, and I'll still be trying to post some of it.
Also, a brief hiatus will be starting as of the end of this post. Today, we're flying back to Florida, and I'm going to take a few days to recover from jetlag and see some of my family for the first time in almost two years. Also, I'm going to be meeting my in-laws, which I'm very excited about. I want to spend a couple days just grounding myself within my very loving family and sharing Lauren personally with them. I intend to be posting regularly again by next Friday. I don't want to leave this blog in the dark for too long.
So, have a good weekend, all! I'll be back again in no time.
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the future. Show all posts
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
losing a piece of Lauren
Between the two of us, Geordie and I have a lot of stuff. We're not entirely sure how this happened. I'm not just talking about the furniture (which is mine, for the most part, if individual ownership is something that needs to be accounted for) - there are the books and the clothes and all the little odds and ends that have accumulated over time without us noticing. We've been doing a lot of purging, trying to decide what should go with us and what should just be left for good.
The hardest part has been deciding what to do with Lauren's things. After everything that went into planning for her, it's hard to just get rid of what we've come to think of as hers. But it's nearly impossible to keep everything, not just because of the logistics of getting it back to the States but because it hurts so much to see her things and know that she will never have the chance to use them. Every time I looked into her room and saw that empty crib, I felt myself falling into pieces again. And were we to use them sometime in the future, those would be the thoughts in my mind: These belonged to Lauren. She was supposed to use them. It wouldn't be right to use her things with another child; nor would it be fair to that child, who deserves to have things of his/her own, not leftovers from Lauren.
We're keeping Lauren's clothes and bedding to make into a memorial quilt. It's unfathomable to consider saving the clothing for a future child, but at the same time, I couldn't bear to give them away or - heaven forbid - to throw them away. Losing those items would be like losing a piece of Lauren herself; picking them out was the same as accepting her into our lives and acknowledging our transformation into parents. With each piece we chose, we were shaping her in our minds, feeling her out, and coming to understand how she would change us and every day after she arrived. Making a memorial quilt just feels right, as nothing else would have.
More difficult was figuring out what to do with the furniture and the various items used to complete the nursery - the baby gym, the diaper pail, the accessories for the dresser. These things were all brand-new, but even so, we wondered how easy it would be to donate them somewhere or even just simply give them away. In the States, it's fairly easy to donate items to charity or a thrift store; in Japan, you might have an easy time of it in a large city, but recycle shops are hard to find in small, country towns. Also, because we don't have a car, we're not able to offer to drop stuff off, making it just that much harder to find someone to take things. A friend of Geordie's suggested he contact the Susono city hall and find out if they were willing to take large-item donations. Fortunately, they were, but only the new things, so we're still left with the IKEA furniture I bought back when I moved to Moriya. But that's a few less items to worry about.
Watching them take away Lauren's things was harder than I expected. I still thought of them as her things, and I'll probably continue to do so for a long time to come. These are things Geordie and I bought for her together, a bonding experience not just between ourselves but with Lauren. In picking out these items, we made a place for her, mentally as well as physically. While it's a comfort to know that a family will have use for them, I still want them for Lauren. Letting go of them was like letting go of her again, a terrible reminder that she's gone. Seeing the room empty of her things breaks my heart; she came and went and left nothing behind her in the room that should have been hers. All that's left is an emptiness. As much as it hurt to see her belongings go unused, it hurts just as much to lose what was hers, to let them pass through our lives and into someone else's as though Lauren had never existed at all. While they were in her room, it proved she had been real and not just a dream that we've lost to the ether.
What matters is that we will have Lauren. We moved her out of the room too. Before, her urn had been sitting on the wide IKEA bookcase in the room, under the baby gym and between two stuffed animals we'd had for her. Geordie often put Rabbit with her to keep her company. Now it's too lonely in there, too bereft of Lauren's memory. Now she sits on a bookcase in our bedroom, still accompanied by Rabbit. It's a little lonelier without her things surrounding her, but she's not alone, which is good. It won't be long before we're back in the States and we can make a temporary place for her at my parents' house. And next year, after we've settled ourselves a bit, perhaps we can make a more permanent place for her, a place of her own and with her own things. Although it's enough to have Lauren with us, I feel better knowing she's got her things with her and a place just for her. It's the way things would have been if she had lived, and it's the way I want things for her now.
The hardest part has been deciding what to do with Lauren's things. After everything that went into planning for her, it's hard to just get rid of what we've come to think of as hers. But it's nearly impossible to keep everything, not just because of the logistics of getting it back to the States but because it hurts so much to see her things and know that she will never have the chance to use them. Every time I looked into her room and saw that empty crib, I felt myself falling into pieces again. And were we to use them sometime in the future, those would be the thoughts in my mind: These belonged to Lauren. She was supposed to use them. It wouldn't be right to use her things with another child; nor would it be fair to that child, who deserves to have things of his/her own, not leftovers from Lauren.
We're keeping Lauren's clothes and bedding to make into a memorial quilt. It's unfathomable to consider saving the clothing for a future child, but at the same time, I couldn't bear to give them away or - heaven forbid - to throw them away. Losing those items would be like losing a piece of Lauren herself; picking them out was the same as accepting her into our lives and acknowledging our transformation into parents. With each piece we chose, we were shaping her in our minds, feeling her out, and coming to understand how she would change us and every day after she arrived. Making a memorial quilt just feels right, as nothing else would have.
More difficult was figuring out what to do with the furniture and the various items used to complete the nursery - the baby gym, the diaper pail, the accessories for the dresser. These things were all brand-new, but even so, we wondered how easy it would be to donate them somewhere or even just simply give them away. In the States, it's fairly easy to donate items to charity or a thrift store; in Japan, you might have an easy time of it in a large city, but recycle shops are hard to find in small, country towns. Also, because we don't have a car, we're not able to offer to drop stuff off, making it just that much harder to find someone to take things. A friend of Geordie's suggested he contact the Susono city hall and find out if they were willing to take large-item donations. Fortunately, they were, but only the new things, so we're still left with the IKEA furniture I bought back when I moved to Moriya. But that's a few less items to worry about.
Watching them take away Lauren's things was harder than I expected. I still thought of them as her things, and I'll probably continue to do so for a long time to come. These are things Geordie and I bought for her together, a bonding experience not just between ourselves but with Lauren. In picking out these items, we made a place for her, mentally as well as physically. While it's a comfort to know that a family will have use for them, I still want them for Lauren. Letting go of them was like letting go of her again, a terrible reminder that she's gone. Seeing the room empty of her things breaks my heart; she came and went and left nothing behind her in the room that should have been hers. All that's left is an emptiness. As much as it hurt to see her belongings go unused, it hurts just as much to lose what was hers, to let them pass through our lives and into someone else's as though Lauren had never existed at all. While they were in her room, it proved she had been real and not just a dream that we've lost to the ether.
What matters is that we will have Lauren. We moved her out of the room too. Before, her urn had been sitting on the wide IKEA bookcase in the room, under the baby gym and between two stuffed animals we'd had for her. Geordie often put Rabbit with her to keep her company. Now it's too lonely in there, too bereft of Lauren's memory. Now she sits on a bookcase in our bedroom, still accompanied by Rabbit. It's a little lonelier without her things surrounding her, but she's not alone, which is good. It won't be long before we're back in the States and we can make a temporary place for her at my parents' house. And next year, after we've settled ourselves a bit, perhaps we can make a more permanent place for her, a place of her own and with her own things. Although it's enough to have Lauren with us, I feel better knowing she's got her things with her and a place just for her. It's the way things would have been if she had lived, and it's the way I want things for her now.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
3rd Japanniversary
Oddly enough, last week - besides being the week I expected to have my daughter home with me and in my arms - also marks the end of my third year in Japan.
I am not the same person I was when I came to Japan three years ago. Even if things had gone as planned this year, I would still be a much different person. I embraced my role as a teacher and truly enjoyed my job for the first time. I furthered my horizons as a wide-eyed observer, taking in everything Japan had to offer and seeking more, always more. I had no expectations; I wanted only to experience and to enjoy. And I did, more so than I could ever have imagined.
I did not expect to fall in love. I did not expect to fall pregnant or get married. I did not expect to become a mother. These were not things that could be planned, and they were certainly not things I would have made plans for anyway. But if I were to go back and start anew, I would not give them up. I would not change them, even knowing how these three years in Japan would end. I would give anything to have Lauren alive and with me, but I would not want to give her up at all. Better to have her memory and the profound impact she has had on my life than to not have her at all. It is she who has changed me most, who made me a mother and, at the same time, deepened my love for Geordie as we walked the path toward parenthood together.
Though Geordie and I both continue to love Japan, neither of us feel that we can stay on after what has happened. We can't stay in Susono, and Geordie can't remain at his job here. It has been hard enough just being in this apartment and sensing how unchanged it is, how normal. We can't continue where we left off, waiting for Lauren to make her arrival and dreaming our hopes for the future. We need to be grounded and start again, rebuilding our lives and recovering from Lauren's sudden absence.
It's not the way I want to leave Japan. I had never given much thought to how I would leave Japan, but this isn't the way I want it to go. With Lauren, I thought we would be going when she was a couple years old, returning to the States to be closer to family, so that friends and relatives could be active in her life. I thought we would be going as a family, not with empty arms.
I still love Japan - I will always love Japan. One day, I think Geordie and I will end up back here; it is our hope that will happen. But for now, Japan is not for us. For myself, it is a time to look inward, to process all that has happened to me in the past three years and to ready myself for what is to come in the future. Japan gave me so many wonderful things, not the least of which being my husband and daughter. It also gave me confidence in myself and my abilities, it brought me job fulfillment and satisfaction, it showed me wonders and beauty that I could only have imagined, it introduced me to people who affected me deeply. It taught me much about myself and prepared me to welcome Geordie and Lauren into my life. Three years ago, Japan was exactly what I needed, and I will remember it as a place of magic and love. It is my treasure, and for a while, it was my home.
I hope that it might someday be my home again.
I am not the same person I was when I came to Japan three years ago. Even if things had gone as planned this year, I would still be a much different person. I embraced my role as a teacher and truly enjoyed my job for the first time. I furthered my horizons as a wide-eyed observer, taking in everything Japan had to offer and seeking more, always more. I had no expectations; I wanted only to experience and to enjoy. And I did, more so than I could ever have imagined.
I did not expect to fall in love. I did not expect to fall pregnant or get married. I did not expect to become a mother. These were not things that could be planned, and they were certainly not things I would have made plans for anyway. But if I were to go back and start anew, I would not give them up. I would not change them, even knowing how these three years in Japan would end. I would give anything to have Lauren alive and with me, but I would not want to give her up at all. Better to have her memory and the profound impact she has had on my life than to not have her at all. It is she who has changed me most, who made me a mother and, at the same time, deepened my love for Geordie as we walked the path toward parenthood together.
Though Geordie and I both continue to love Japan, neither of us feel that we can stay on after what has happened. We can't stay in Susono, and Geordie can't remain at his job here. It has been hard enough just being in this apartment and sensing how unchanged it is, how normal. We can't continue where we left off, waiting for Lauren to make her arrival and dreaming our hopes for the future. We need to be grounded and start again, rebuilding our lives and recovering from Lauren's sudden absence.
It's not the way I want to leave Japan. I had never given much thought to how I would leave Japan, but this isn't the way I want it to go. With Lauren, I thought we would be going when she was a couple years old, returning to the States to be closer to family, so that friends and relatives could be active in her life. I thought we would be going as a family, not with empty arms.
I still love Japan - I will always love Japan. One day, I think Geordie and I will end up back here; it is our hope that will happen. But for now, Japan is not for us. For myself, it is a time to look inward, to process all that has happened to me in the past three years and to ready myself for what is to come in the future. Japan gave me so many wonderful things, not the least of which being my husband and daughter. It also gave me confidence in myself and my abilities, it brought me job fulfillment and satisfaction, it showed me wonders and beauty that I could only have imagined, it introduced me to people who affected me deeply. It taught me much about myself and prepared me to welcome Geordie and Lauren into my life. Three years ago, Japan was exactly what I needed, and I will remember it as a place of magic and love. It is my treasure, and for a while, it was my home.
I hope that it might someday be my home again.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Week 36: preparations
If one has not been around babies much (which is to say, if one has not been in a caretaking role), one really has no idea just what exactly a baby needs. I don't mean that in the way of "Holy crap, this baby needs so much stuff!" so much as I mean "Holy crap, this baby needs stuff and I don't know where to start." Fortunately, plenty of people are willing to offer up handy-dandy lists of the absolute essentials, though upon reading these lists, one might well start exclaiming about the amount of stuff required. Which will lead one onward to lists that insist don't really need all that much and frugality is possible. And these lists will bring about the realization that this is starting to get out of control.
In short, the past couple weeks have been seeing a lot of Geordie's hard-earned money go towards baby things. Of course, the bigger items were bigger purchases - the crib, the changing table, and the mattress/bedding set - and we managed to get them for fair prices. The only thing I felt was really over-priced was the mattress/bedding set, mostly because it includes a pillow, comforter, and coverlet, none of which we'll need for several months. We will use them eventually, so it all evens out in the end. Plus, I actually liked the design on this set.
A nice, simple, brightly colored (but not too garish) geometric pattern. Just what I wanted! I tend to shy away from cutesy animal patterns, no matter what the color scheme is. I don't even much like inanimate objects (like planes and trains for boys, or bows and hearts for girls). Simple geometrics attract my eye, so that's what we've been buying. When Lucky's old enough to pick out her own bedding, she can have what she wants. Until then, I'm buying stuff I can stand to look at. Same thing goes for the color scheme.
The finished product! It wasn't my first choice, but it looks nice enough, and I like the storage space underneath. None of the furniture matches, unfortunately, but it's not like we can decorate properly anyway. The walls are concrete, so we can't hang anything, and we used cream-colored curtains that I'd had in the Moriya apartment. But it's a room, and it's comfy, and that's what's important!
We ended up getting the crib from Babies R' Us, but the changing table is from IKEA. I read a lot of pros and cons about having a changing table, and I decided that this was one of our essentials. Also, from what I read, a lot of people chose to forgo changing tables because it was more convenient to change diapers in whatever room of the house they were in, either on a couch, a bed, or the floor. Well, we don't have a couch, there's no way I'm changing poopy diapers on my bed, and I'll skip the floor because I like being able to use my back. Also, it takes about 10 seconds to get from one end of the apartment to another, so it's not like I'm going out of my way to get to it. Also, it doubles as a dresser. The closets are stuffed full of non-baby items, so we'd have no place to put baby clothes if not for this.
Speaking of baby clothes, I doubt there's a set of parents in the world that can resist doing a little bit of browsing and buying, even when other people are all to eager to purchase things for baby. In particular, a certain expecting grandmother who finds something irresistble whenever she pops into a store's baby department! Because of that, Geordie and I have been pretty discriminating in our choice of baby clothes and accessories. And given the kind of stuff we buy, the cashiers at Babies R' Us probably think we're having a boy.
For example, the socks we picked out:
Geordie liked the dinosaur motif. Me, I like the middle pair in the bottom row. Stripes are awesome. Geordie also spotted this onesie and refused to consider not buying it:
Really, who could resist? This t-shirt too:
And cute goes way beyond color scheme, you know. I love this little hat and mittens combo:
I admit, I can't help but mentally giggle at the sight of those little ears. The hooded bath towels were fun to go through too, and we decided on two of them. The first was easy; we knew we were going to get it as soon as we saw it. The second one was a toss-up - it or the strawberry. A close one, but the strawberry lost out.
I seriously cannot wait to put these to use! And probably take far more photos than are required.
We also bought a few more onesies, a couple blue and a few yellow-patterned ones as well. The pinks were just too . . . pink. But, we did end up buying one pink thing, and it's one of my favorites of what we got. It is pink and has hearts and it makes me think of neapolitan ice cream:
I just hope it fits her for winter! I'm worried it might be too big - in which case, I hope it fits her for next winter!
And that's pretty much all the shopping we've done now, as far as clothes are concerned. We'll wait to see what size she is before buying more - and also to see the haul Gramma Joyce brings with her when she arrives! We've also gotten all of the other essential baby items we'll probably need - diaper bag and other various diapering supplies for the changing table, a bassinet for nights in our room for the first couple months, washclothes, and various other boring things like that.
I can hardly believe it myself, but we may be ready for Lucky's arrival! Supply-wise, that is. Mentally, it's still a bit of a free-for-all. Especially since a week has passed since I first started writing this post and we're now at WEEK 37 and Lucky could make an appearance at any time. Any day now.
I need to go organize some baby things . . .
In short, the past couple weeks have been seeing a lot of Geordie's hard-earned money go towards baby things. Of course, the bigger items were bigger purchases - the crib, the changing table, and the mattress/bedding set - and we managed to get them for fair prices. The only thing I felt was really over-priced was the mattress/bedding set, mostly because it includes a pillow, comforter, and coverlet, none of which we'll need for several months. We will use them eventually, so it all evens out in the end. Plus, I actually liked the design on this set.
A nice, simple, brightly colored (but not too garish) geometric pattern. Just what I wanted! I tend to shy away from cutesy animal patterns, no matter what the color scheme is. I don't even much like inanimate objects (like planes and trains for boys, or bows and hearts for girls). Simple geometrics attract my eye, so that's what we've been buying. When Lucky's old enough to pick out her own bedding, she can have what she wants. Until then, I'm buying stuff I can stand to look at. Same thing goes for the color scheme.
The finished product! It wasn't my first choice, but it looks nice enough, and I like the storage space underneath. None of the furniture matches, unfortunately, but it's not like we can decorate properly anyway. The walls are concrete, so we can't hang anything, and we used cream-colored curtains that I'd had in the Moriya apartment. But it's a room, and it's comfy, and that's what's important!
We ended up getting the crib from Babies R' Us, but the changing table is from IKEA. I read a lot of pros and cons about having a changing table, and I decided that this was one of our essentials. Also, from what I read, a lot of people chose to forgo changing tables because it was more convenient to change diapers in whatever room of the house they were in, either on a couch, a bed, or the floor. Well, we don't have a couch, there's no way I'm changing poopy diapers on my bed, and I'll skip the floor because I like being able to use my back. Also, it takes about 10 seconds to get from one end of the apartment to another, so it's not like I'm going out of my way to get to it. Also, it doubles as a dresser. The closets are stuffed full of non-baby items, so we'd have no place to put baby clothes if not for this.
Speaking of baby clothes, I doubt there's a set of parents in the world that can resist doing a little bit of browsing and buying, even when other people are all to eager to purchase things for baby. In particular, a certain expecting grandmother who finds something irresistble whenever she pops into a store's baby department! Because of that, Geordie and I have been pretty discriminating in our choice of baby clothes and accessories. And given the kind of stuff we buy, the cashiers at Babies R' Us probably think we're having a boy.
For example, the socks we picked out:
Geordie liked the dinosaur motif. Me, I like the middle pair in the bottom row. Stripes are awesome. Geordie also spotted this onesie and refused to consider not buying it:
Really, who could resist? This t-shirt too:
And cute goes way beyond color scheme, you know. I love this little hat and mittens combo:
I admit, I can't help but mentally giggle at the sight of those little ears. The hooded bath towels were fun to go through too, and we decided on two of them. The first was easy; we knew we were going to get it as soon as we saw it. The second one was a toss-up - it or the strawberry. A close one, but the strawberry lost out.
I seriously cannot wait to put these to use! And probably take far more photos than are required.
We also bought a few more onesies, a couple blue and a few yellow-patterned ones as well. The pinks were just too . . . pink. But, we did end up buying one pink thing, and it's one of my favorites of what we got. It is pink and has hearts and it makes me think of neapolitan ice cream:
I just hope it fits her for winter! I'm worried it might be too big - in which case, I hope it fits her for next winter!
And that's pretty much all the shopping we've done now, as far as clothes are concerned. We'll wait to see what size she is before buying more - and also to see the haul Gramma Joyce brings with her when she arrives! We've also gotten all of the other essential baby items we'll probably need - diaper bag and other various diapering supplies for the changing table, a bassinet for nights in our room for the first couple months, washclothes, and various other boring things like that.
I can hardly believe it myself, but we may be ready for Lucky's arrival! Supply-wise, that is. Mentally, it's still a bit of a free-for-all. Especially since a week has passed since I first started writing this post and we're now at WEEK 37 and Lucky could make an appearance at any time. Any day now.
I need to go organize some baby things . . .
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
34 Weeks: Is it over yet?
The main reason I haven't been blogging about my pregnancy is that I'm not really enjoying it. I don't like being pregnant. I thought that maybe I'd grow into - get used to it, perhaps - but, no. Pregnancy just keeps getting worse. Much as I've tried to adapt to it, I can't. My body doesn't belong to me anymore, and that drives me a little bit crazy.
And that's unfortunate, because I do want to talk about my pregnancy. It might have been helpful - cathartic, in a way. But my body isn't the only thing that's been totally absorbed by pregnancy - so has my mind. It's incredibly difficult to focus on anything not pregnancy-related. There is not any house of the day that my mind isn't 100% engaged with the fact that I am pregnant. It's impossible to forget, which makes it damn difficult to think about other things. Like writing. Or even organizing thoughts. Everything's jumbled.
So, while I want to write about my experiences - especially in regards to what it's like to be a foreign woman giving birth in Japan - I can't do it right now. It will have to wait. The most I can do right now is experience it, jot down notes, and worry about organizing it all later. Right now, I just need to focus on being pregnant, because that's all my pregnancy-oriented brain will allow me to do right now.
I'm looking forward to not being pregnant, but not because I'll get my body and mind back. It WILL be nice to have my body back, but I know that doesn't mean I'll get my old life back. having to go through all these changes is probably a good thing, because things won't go back to the way they were. I consider this to be a transition phase, something to prepare for the next big steps I'll have to take in order to become a decent mother.
I'm terrified about becoming a mother. That's natural, I know, and it's almost a cliche, but it's true. Becoming a parent is terrifying, especially if you've spent all of your adult life wondering why anyone would think you competent enough to put you in charge of children. Fortunately, there's also something exciting about it. I'm not sure what. Finding reasons to be terrified is easy - finding reasons to be excited is not so easy. But, inexplicably, I find that I am, thus giving me another reason to want this pregnancy to be over and done.
I have all kinds of things I want to share with Lucky as she grows. Traditions from our families in America, newer traditions that we develop along the way, favorite music, favorite foods, Japanese customs and the beauty of Japan itself. We've already decided we want to do the baby-signing thing, and there are probably half a dozen other things we want to teach/do with her as she gets older. As much as the pregnancy has been a pain in my ass (literally, at times), one of the things that makes it so intolerable - for me, anyway - is the waiting.
So, while I hate being pregnant, at least I know that I'll have something to look forward to at the end of it. It'll be the beginning of a whole new set of challenges, but that doesn't bother me so much. Motherhood may be an adventure of awesome proportions, but I figure it won't be any worse than being pregnant.
Not all the time, anyway.
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