34 Weeks: Is it over yet?

The main reason I haven't been blogging about my pregnancy is that I'm not really enjoying it. I don't like being pregnant. I thought that maybe I'd grow into - get used to it, perhaps - but, no. Pregnancy just keeps getting worse. Much as I've tried to adapt to it, I can't. My body doesn't belong to me anymore, and that drives me a little bit crazy.

And that's unfortunate, because I do want to talk about my pregnancy. It might have been helpful - cathartic, in a way. But my body isn't the only thing that's been totally absorbed by pregnancy - so has my mind. It's incredibly difficult to focus on anything not pregnancy-related. There is not any house of the day that my mind isn't 100% engaged with the fact that I am pregnant. It's impossible to forget, which makes it damn difficult to think about other things. Like writing. Or even organizing thoughts. Everything's jumbled.

So, while I want to write about my experiences - especially in regards to what it's like to be a foreign woman giving birth in Japan - I can't do it right now. It will have to wait. The most I can do right now is experience it, jot down notes, and worry about organizing it all later. Right now, I just need to focus on being pregnant, because that's all my pregnancy-oriented brain will allow me to do right now.

I'm looking forward to not being pregnant, but not because I'll get my body and mind back. It WILL be nice to have my body back, but I know that doesn't mean I'll get my old life back. having to go through all these changes is probably a good thing, because things won't go back to the way they were. I consider this to be a transition phase, something to prepare for the next big steps I'll have to take in order to become a decent mother.

I'm terrified about becoming a mother. That's natural, I know, and it's almost a cliche, but it's true. Becoming a parent is terrifying, especially if you've spent all of your adult life wondering why anyone would think you competent enough to put you in charge of children. Fortunately, there's also something exciting about it. I'm not sure what. Finding reasons to be terrified is easy - finding reasons to be excited is not so easy. But, inexplicably, I find that I am, thus giving me another reason to want this pregnancy to be over and done.

I have all kinds of things I want to share with Lucky as she grows. Traditions from our families in America, newer traditions that we develop along the way, favorite music, favorite foods, Japanese customs and the beauty of Japan itself. We've already decided we want to do the baby-signing thing, and there are probably half a dozen other things we want to teach/do with her as she gets older. As much as the pregnancy has been a pain in my ass (literally, at times), one of the things that makes it so intolerable - for me, anyway - is the waiting.

So, while I hate being pregnant, at least I know that I'll have something to look forward to at the end of it. It'll be the beginning of a whole new set of challenges, but that doesn't bother me so much. Motherhood may be an adventure of awesome proportions, but I figure it won't be any worse than being pregnant.

Not all the time, anyway.