a day for remembering

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss day. One in four pregnancies will end in loss by way of miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Today is the day to remember those lost before they had a chance to live. Though their lives were brief, they stamped themselves into the hearts and minds of those who loved them and dreamed of them and anticipated them. Attached to them were hopes and dreams and infinite potential. They are loved still and missed always.

I remember Lauren. I remember her when she was still just called Lucky, when we knew of her but did not yet know her. I remember that journey through awareness, of coming to know who Lauren was and who she could be.

I remember how sure I was that I was pregnant and how terrified I was when I knew that it was true.

I remember the first ultrasound and loving her instantly.

I remember naming her and how easy it was, how the name "Lauren Joy" just fit so perfectly.

I remember feeling the first flutters of her movement, confirmation that she was there with me.

I remember the relief that washed over me whenever I felt her and knew that she was still there. Every time we saw her on the ultrasound, I felt that same relief, that calming of fears.

I remember how perfect she was at 20 weeks: the form of her spine, the beating of her heart, the bones of her limbs, the strength of her body. Healthy, Dr. Shoji told us. Perfectly healthy.

I remember the decisions we made about parenting, all the reading and research I did, all the excitement and anxiety about becoming a parent.

I remember the aches and pains, the heat and the strain, the hormones and the anxiety, and I wish I had enjoyed what pregnancy was and meant.

I remember the smiles and congratulations from the people in Moriya, from friends and students and co-workers. I remember how excited family and long-time friends were to welcome her to the world, how they loved her before they even knew her.

I remember how terrified I was about labor and delivery, and how I cried with the fear, and how Geordie held me and comforted me and told me that it would be wonderful in the end, that I would have a beautiful baby girl to love when it was over.

I remember making birthing plans and knowing what I wanted and didn't want. I wanted Geordie there, and that was all that really mattered.

I remember the kicks and the rolls and the hiccups and how filled with life they made me feel.

I remember Geordie singing to her and the way she reacted to his voice. I loved to hear him sing to her. I loved the way he talked to her. I loved to hear him say her name.

I remember how he could always quiet her down if he placed his hand on my stomach at night while she was active.

I remember the waiting rooms of hospitals and clinics: how reassuring and familiar the Shoji clinic became, how cold and unwelcoming the other places seemed in comparison, how different the doctors could be in the apprach to patients. I remember understanding why some women chose home births.

I remember Geordie's excitement and happiness when we finally learned Lucky's gender. He smiled all the rest of the day, that big and goofy smile of unrelenting anticipation.

I remember how much Geordie took care of her and me, physically and emotionally.

I remember the plans made for the holidays, the joy that bubbled up in me when I thought of sharing Lucky with family and friends. I looked forward to showing her off, to seeing first time grandparents and great-grandparents and great-aunts. I couldn't wait to put her in Ryan's arms and assure him that he really was an uncle, that he wasn't imagining it. I wanted to watch them all and see how happy Lucky made them.

I remember wanting to share Japan with her. We walked under cherry blossoms in April, and I thought, "she'll be six months old this time next year." We went to summer festivals in August, and I thought, "she'll be nine months and adorable in a little yukata." We went to shrines and temples, and I thought, "she'll grow up with all this and learn to appreciate the wonders of life and the spirit." We watched the changing of the seasons, and I thought, "I'll have an autumn baby, a wonderful gift from my favorite time of the year."

I remember the hopes and dreams we had for her, the things we wanted to share with her and teach her. I daydreamed often, imagining what she would be like as a toddler, dark-haired and light-eyed, stubborn and curious - a mix of myself and Geordie. In my thoughts, we held her and sang to her and read to her, and as she got older, we would do those things with her. We nurtured her and adored her in my thoughts, and I sent them to her to let her know how much we wanted her.

I remember cooking and baking, thoughts of old family recipes I wanted to save for her to make someday. There was so much of our families I wanted to share with her - our histories, our traditions, our togetherness.

I remember shopping for her with Geordie, picking and choosing what was right, lamenting the excess of garishly pink clothing, wondering just what size we needed and how much we would need.

I remember seeing other women with infants and thinking, "that will be me soon. She'll be here soon, and everything will be lovely." I knew it would be hard, that adjustments would have to be made, but I accepted that. It would be Geordie and Lucky and me, and everything would be alright.

I remember worrying about her room and its lack of temperature control - would she be too cold? too hot? I wanted everything perfect for her.

I remember the days and weeks and months before September 22nd, when I felt her strongly and my thoughts wended towards the future's joyful moments and the challenges I knew I would have to face. The fears and worries were merely superficial, the typical anxieties of new parents who were content in the knowledge that everything would turn out right.

I remember wanting her and loving her, feelings that have not changed.

I remember her after her delivery: perfect and beautiful and silent as though asleep. There was no doubt that she was ours and no doubt that we would feel the void of her loss in her hearts for a long time to come.

I remember Lauren Joy, and I also remember the stories shared with me, of pregnancies lost and infants mourned. Today, I think of the stories told and untold, of the empty spaces in so many lives that will never be filled. I think of the pain of the loss of hopes and dreams, sometimes sharp and sometimes dull but always there. And I wish that no one else would have to feel this pain.

Today, I remember Lauren and her brief life and the lasting impact she has made on myself and Geordie and so many other people. I will remember her always. Every morning, I wake up and remember her, and I remember that she is not here where she should be.

Week 36: preparations

If one has not been around babies much (which is to say, if one has not been in a caretaking role), one really has no idea just what exactly a baby needs. I don't mean that in the way of "Holy crap, this baby needs so much stuff!" so much as I mean "Holy crap, this baby needs stuff and I don't know where to start." Fortunately, plenty of people are willing to offer up handy-dandy lists of the absolute essentials, though upon reading these lists, one might well start exclaiming about the amount of stuff required. Which will lead one onward to lists that insist don't really need all that much and frugality is possible. And these lists will bring about the realization that this is starting to get out of control.

In short, the past couple weeks have been seeing a lot of Geordie's hard-earned money go towards baby things. Of course, the bigger items were bigger purchases - the crib, the changing table, and the mattress/bedding set - and we managed to get them for fair prices. The only thing I felt was really over-priced was the mattress/bedding set, mostly because it includes a pillow, comforter, and coverlet, none of which we'll need for several months. We will use them eventually, so it all evens out in the end. Plus, I actually liked the design on this set.

A nice, simple, brightly colored (but not too garish) geometric pattern. Just what I wanted! I tend to shy away from cutesy animal patterns, no matter what the color scheme is. I don't even much like inanimate objects (like planes and trains for boys, or bows and hearts for girls). Simple geometrics attract my eye, so that's what we've been buying. When Lucky's old enough to pick out her own bedding, she can have what she wants. Until then, I'm buying stuff I can stand to look at. Same thing goes for the color scheme.

The finished product! It wasn't my first choice, but it looks nice enough, and I like the storage space underneath. None of the furniture matches, unfortunately, but it's not like we can decorate properly anyway. The walls are concrete, so we can't hang anything, and we used cream-colored curtains that I'd had in the Moriya apartment. But it's a room, and it's comfy, and that's what's important!

We ended up getting the crib from Babies R' Us, but the changing table is from IKEA. I read a lot of pros and cons about having a changing table, and I decided that this was one of our essentials. Also, from what I read, a lot of people chose to forgo changing tables because it was more convenient to change diapers in whatever room of the house they were in, either on a couch, a bed, or the floor. Well, we don't have a couch, there's no way I'm changing poopy diapers on my bed, and I'll skip the floor because I like being able to use my back. Also, it takes about 10 seconds to get from one end of the apartment to another, so it's not like I'm going out of my way to get to it. Also, it doubles as a dresser. The closets are stuffed full of non-baby items, so we'd have no place to put baby clothes if not for this.

Speaking of baby clothes, I doubt there's a set of parents in the world that can resist doing a little bit of browsing and buying, even when other people are all to eager to purchase things for baby. In particular, a certain expecting grandmother who finds something irresistble whenever she pops into a store's baby department! Because of that, Geordie and I have been pretty discriminating in our choice of baby clothes and accessories. And given the kind of stuff we buy, the cashiers at Babies R' Us probably think we're having a boy.

For example, the socks we picked out:

Geordie liked the dinosaur motif. Me, I like the middle pair in the bottom row. Stripes are awesome. Geordie also spotted this onesie and refused to consider not buying it:

Really, who could resist? This t-shirt too:

And cute goes way beyond color scheme, you know. I love this little hat and mittens combo:

I admit, I can't help but mentally giggle at the sight of those little ears. The hooded bath towels were fun to go through too, and we decided on two of them. The first was easy; we knew we were going to get it as soon as we saw it. The second one was a toss-up - it or the strawberry. A close one, but the strawberry lost out.

I seriously cannot wait to put these to use! And probably take far more photos than are required.

We also bought a few more onesies, a couple blue and a few yellow-patterned ones as well. The pinks were just too . . . pink. But, we did end up buying one pink thing, and it's one of my favorites of what we got. It is pink and has hearts and it makes me think of neapolitan ice cream:

I just hope it fits her for winter! I'm worried it might be too big - in which case, I hope it fits her for next winter!

And that's pretty much all the shopping we've done now, as far as clothes are concerned. We'll wait to see what size she is before buying more - and also to see the haul Gramma Joyce brings with her when she arrives! We've also gotten all of the other essential baby items we'll probably need - diaper bag and other various diapering supplies for the changing table, a bassinet for nights in our room for the first couple months, washclothes, and various other boring things like that.

I can hardly believe it myself, but we may be ready for Lucky's arrival! Supply-wise, that is. Mentally, it's still a bit of a free-for-all. Especially since a week has passed since I first started writing this post and we're now at WEEK 37 and Lucky could make an appearance at any time. Any day now.

I need to go organize some baby things . . .

Week 35: 6.5 lbs = big baby?

Starting this week, I'll be going to the hospital for regular check-ups every week. Judging from this week's visit, September is going to be one hell of a month.

So, every week, I have an ultrasound. That's standard policy for Japanese obstetrics. It's been nice, actually, to see Lucky's progressive growth each time, and she's usually pretty active during the scans, like she knows she's being watched. Ever since we left the Shoji Clinic, though, I've enjoyed ultrasounds a little less, because every single one has included the comment, "That's a big baby. No, really. A BIG baby."

At 28 weeks, Lucky's estimated weight was 3 pounds. At 31 weeks, it was about 4.5 pounds. Two weeks later, it was around 5.7 pounds. And now, at 35 weeks, it's 6.5 pounds. According to American averages, Lucky's in about the 70th percentile. According to Japanese standards, she's practically Godzilla. That's supposing that the ultrasounds are all correct in these estimates - because that's all they are. The doctor takes some measurements on the ultrasound, and the machine spits out an estimate based on that. Ultrasounds have been known to be up to a pound off, in either direction. Which, hey, means there could be a chance that Lucky really is Godzilla-sized!

The doctor at this week's visit immediately asked about glucose testing. Now, I understand the concern about Gestational Diabetes. I do, really. I just don't think it's the issue here. There's been no sugar in my urine. My two prior glucose tests came back with healthy levels. Lucky's growth has been a fairly steady (and normal) half a pound per week. I'm no doctor, but that doesn't seem particularly disastrous to me. Everything about Lucky looks fine - placenta is healthy, amniotic fluid is at a good level, heartbeat is strong, and my cervix shows no signs of premature labor.

So what's the issue? Standarization is the issue. Japanese babies generally don't weigh more than 7 pounds at birth - 6 lbs 10 oz is the national average compared to America's average of about 8 pounds at birth. (note: if Lucky continues with the pound per fortnight growth, she'll weigh only slightly more than the American average) It could be argued that this is a natural occurence amongst the Japanese; it could also be argued that it's a result of Japanese doctors telling their pregnant patients to not gain any weight during pregnancy. A simple search online will produce a number of research papers and articles regarding a rising rate of low birthweight infants in Japan, starting in the 1980's. The conclusion for most of these papers/articles is that the cause is the mother's weight before and during pregnancy.

I'm not going to lay judgment on that. I'm nobody's doctor, and I'm not going to tell anyone how to handle their pregnancy. But I don't like being judged to a standard that has nothing to do with me and doesn't fit me anyway. And I don't appreciate the suggestion that Lucky is "big" because my body is doing something wrong when - up to this point - there has been no such indication. GD is usually diagnosed halfway through pregnancy; my glucose test at 26 weeks came back negative. I'd be much happier if the doctors just admitted that the thought of delivering a larger baby than they're used to makes them nervous. Fine, I accept that. Don't go blaming my body for it.

As for my weight, I've been happy with it, for the most part. I've gained about 14 pounds with this pregnancy, which is about as much as I'd like to gain. I was told by the Shoji Clinic to try not to gain any weight, but they never berated me for my weight gain. I've actually only gained about 4 pounds since week 20, so I doubt very much that it's contributed to Lucky's size. I think both she and I are developing at a good, natural rate.

But, as I said, I'm no doctor, and maybe I'm wrong about the GD. Better to be safe than sorry, yes? I'll have another glucose test next week to make sure, and we'll determine where to go from there. I am, however, becoming less convinced that the doctors are going to let me go to term. I wouldn't be too surprised if Lucky makes her appearance in September rather than October. We'll just have to wait and see.


And because I mentioned actual research done into this topic, here are a few links. There's much more out there, but these were the ones I found the most interesting.

• parenting blog about an article about pregnant Japanese women and dieting
• the article that blog refers to
• a research paper on low birthweight among Japanese infants
• an excellent blog about a mixed-race couple and their birthing experience in Japan

Rewind: A Child Called Lucky

So . . . in the year or so since I last posted a blog, lots of things have changed. I mean, LOTS of things. And all of these changes can be expressed in one word: Lucky. What is Lucky? Easy enough to answer. This is Lucky:

That, friends, is a baby. To be perfectly accurate, it's my baby.

Yeah, I know. I can hardly believe it either. But there Lucky is and there Lucky will stay. Until October, at which point Lucky will be born and the changes will become even more drastic.

You may be wondering . . . "Lucky?" You'd have to ask G about that. G used this name to refer to our growing bundle of cells early on, and it's stuck. More on that later. While Facebook knows this little one as "the Keefeling," G and I refer to him/her as Lucky, so that's what I'm using here. Don't worry, not all of the forthcoming posts are going to revolve around Lucky, but because this is my life right now, you can expect to hear a lot about what we're expecting. Consider it an added bonus that there's a little insight into Japan's take on the miracle of childbirth.

I let myself get into some bad habits in 2010. One was a lull in studying Japanese. Another was not blogging regularly. Or at all. Now that I've got time and energy (hello, second trimester!), I'm trying to remedy that. Not just because it's good for me and people seem to want to hear what I have to say - still trying to figure that one out. But also because I have Lucky to write about . . . and for. A lot of this is for Lucky, for a time when Lucky might actually care about what was going on while I carried him/her around. And because Lucky is going to be the one and only, I feel I should write all this stuff down. It's a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me, and I'd like to be able to save it.


Note: This post is pre-dated. I wrote it several months after the date it says here. I did that because that's when I found out about Lucky, and that's when this whole "big changes" thing really started. I've got some unposted writings that I want to share, but because I'm anal about this kind of thing, I'd like to do it in chronological order. So keep in mind that not all new posts will appear at the top of the blog. Part of the reason I've delayed these writings so long is that I've only recently really been able to come to terms with the fact that I am going to be a mother in a very short amount of time. That took a lot of getting used to. I still don't think I'm used to it. I'm hoping this helps some.