The problem with text is that you can't really hear the degree of emotion in the words. Sarcasm rarely translates well through text. It's hard to make sentimentality work without sounding cheesy or treacly. Apparently, frustrated confusion comes out more like anger than anything else.
My last post seems to have been interpreted as angry, so I want to clear the air a little. When I read the post, it doesn't sound terribly angry to me - but then, I know how I was feeling at the time, and there's no word in the English language to describe that feeling. It was (and for the most part, still is) a combination of frustration and bafflement. Frustration that I seem to have little control over my livelihood and bafflement at how I'm being treated by people who told me that they were here to help me. I also feel that I was lied to, which does make me a little mad. More importantly, though, I'm disappointed by it. I've communicated my wants to my bosses - indeed, I was asked to do so - but thus far, I've mostly been ignored. I think I have the right to be a little angry. I also think I have the right to be more than a little frustrated, because this is my life we're talking about, and I'm the one who should have the most control over it.
Let me say this: I don't talk to anyone at GEOS this way. After all, this is a blog, and let's face it, bloggers are stereotypically angry people. Blogging's a harmless way to get it all out. I feel it's okay to have an angry blog once in a while, considering that most of my blogs are about how much I enjoy my life here in Japan. I still love my life here in Japan, and that's one reason I'm upset - taking away my adult classes is going to take away a lot of what I love about life. I happen to be one of those people who believes that if you're not happy in your job, what's the point of doing it?
It's difficult for me to accept my lack of control in this situation, especially because my trainers made me feel like I had some say in my job. It also makes the possibility of going into a CDM situation worse because I don't trust them anymore. When they say they'll give me support, I don't believe it. When they say they'll do what they can for me, I don't believe it. They said that three weeks ago, and I'm worse off than I was before.
I'm leaving the post up, because it is how I felt that night when I got home. I was confused, and I was frustrated, but I wasn't really mad. I will amend one sentence, and that's my closing statement. It's true that they can put me in a CDM classroom and tell me to teach it, and it's true that I'll do what I can - but I doubt very much that I'll enjoy it. The only thing that really made me truly angry was being told that I would learn to enjoy it. That's an assumption of character that should not be made, especially considering I had just told him that of all my classes, I like the CDM ones the least. That he made that statement proved to me that he hadn't been listening to me and that it was on my shoulders to take the job and be happy about it. But he's not the one teaching there, I am, and I know what I'm capable of. And after 4 months of enduring CDM classes because it's a necessary part of my job, I know well enough that I don't want to spend all of my working time with kids. I do not like playing the games, I do not like singing the songs, and most of all, I hate the puppets. I'm afraid I cannot put a lot of effort into that which I do not like. This is what I meant: they can put me in that classroom, but that doesn't mean I will excel at or enjoy it. I will do what I did when I was teaching American high school: I will survive. I will do what is necessary. That is all. That was a rewardless job. I expect this one will be fairly similar.
And I understand that GEOS has to do what it has to do, but I do not believe that it needs to stomp all over its employees and customers while it does it. It will do so, of course, but I think it's only reasonable to react with a little emotion. I'm a human being not a Tetris block. They can't just decide what to do with me and expect me to have no feelings about it whatsoever. I'll get over, yes, but I won't forget it. And I have enough of my youth left in me to feel that I should be doing what I want to do, what I like to do. I will hold to my contract, but I will not be treated as anything less than a human being. I deserve a little bit of respect.
There, that's what's really bothering me about this situation. I'm expected to respect my company and my bosses, but I have received no respect from them. And I have to sit back and watch them disrespect my students as well, and I am unable to do anything about it. That's the problem. That's what upsets me.
It's still a hell of a way to run a railroad. I will be civil, and I will be cooperative, but I will not forfeit my own happiness for a company that treats me as a thing, as something to be shuffled around for their needs and not mine. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I believe I was put on this world to be happy, and that is my foremost concern. I'm not a self-proclaimed cynic for nothing.
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